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How to Make an American Quilt Reviewed By Carina Hoskisson Posted 10/02/03 09:26:44

"In the mood for an excruciatingly nit-picky chick flick?" (Pretty Bad)

The first time I fell asleep during this movie I was 12 minutes into it. I’m frankly surprised I lasted that long. So instead of watching the movie I got up, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Invigorated from doing some women’s work I settled in to try to watch the movie again. I say ‘women’s work’ because this is a women’s movie. There is no possible way a man can sit through this film and not want to scratch his heterosexual eyes out. It is not that the movie is bad or poorly conceived. It is obvious that the movie is a work of love. The problem is sometimes love is a bad bad thing. People do things out of what they think is love and the result is a mess. Just ask Jodi Foster or Rebecca Schaeffer.The crux of Finn’s (Winona Rider) problem is that her boyfriend (Dermot Mulroney) has asked her to marry him. Instead of saying yes or no, she decides to move into her great-aunt’s home several hours from their shared abode for the summer and ponderously consider the proposal. Let me give you a hint: If you don’t want to marry the guy up front, bag it. If you have to talk yourself into something that serious, you obviously shouldn’t be making that kind of commitment. Finn is also writing the third take on her Master’s thesis. She keeps ‘changing her mind.’ This pretty much sums up the character: wishy-washy, pseudo-intellectual, given to bouts of brooding, and generally unable to make any kind of meaningful decision. Most of all Finn is badly, badly dressed.Winona Rider has never looked as unattractive in a movie. Why bother casting a beautiful star in a movie just to have her shuffle around in potato sacks? I know, the emphasis is supposed to be on the trials and tribulations of her character. Instead I just wondered how it is possible to costume a star so poorly the viewer is distracted. Her body is obscured by huge shifts of cloth. Yes, Winona is supposed to be an intellectually tortured soul, but does that mean she has to look so awful? No! There is no excuse for poor grooming and hygiene (outside of being homeless, drug-addicted, or Anna Nicole Smith.) Her hair looked like it was cut by the teenage trainee at Fantastic Sam’s. At least the poor clothing, hair and makeup was a perfect reflection of the annoying character Winona was asked to portray. Anyway, Finn’s grandmother and great-aunt live together and host a quilting bee (with pot smoking proclivities and forced artistic sentimentalities.) This bee is full of sage older women who can each (of course) teach Finn something about life and love. Hence the film’s title. You, as the viewer, get to suffer these lessons in person-by-person flashbacks. Yawn. What strikes me as bizarre is that each of the women relate really sad stories about their involvements and/or marriages with men. Half the group has slept with the other half’s husbands. All this is supposed to help Finn decide she wants to get married?The women have spent the summer making Finn’s marriage quilt. They gift it to her. She sleeps with it one night and in the morning wraps herself up in it (ala refugee) to go run around the home’s orchard. Seven people just spent hundreds of painstaking hours sewing tiny little stitches onto this quilt and Finn decides to DRAG the white quilt through the dirt in the orchard. Not even grass, dirt. Nice.I admit that a one point in the movie I actually cared about what was happening to the characters. I checked the time and realized that I had been watching How To Make An American Quilt for the past 26 hours…I was running dangerously low on wood and supplies….At that precise moment I realized that this movie is the film equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition for men. I doubt if I have ever seen a movie that is so intently geared to the pink half of the population. I can guarantee you tripod readers that you’d rather watch The English Patient, Sweet November, and the entire 6 hours of BBC’s Pride and Prejudice than watch HTMAAQ. It is not just a question of being bored, it’s more of a slow and steady, reel to reel emasculation. I had my blood tested before and after this movie, my testosterone levels had dropped precipitously. It’s hard to dissect a movie that is as earnest as HTMAAQ. The producers cast Alfre Woodard, Anne Bancroft, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Capshaw, fine actors all. Maya Angelou also appears, lending an air of grace and dignity far above this milieu. Technically HTMAAQ is beautifully photographed and its leisurely editing matches the tone of the film.The director and writers really wanted to make a statement about love and life and ways they affect women. But this kind of fare usually just reduces women into stereotypes. We are all ponderous, can’t make decisions, and we will all be seriously grieved by the men in our lives. I just don’t think that you can so neatly categorize an entire gender by making those kinds of assumptions. But that’s exactly what the movie did. It both decided what women are and conversely excluded the male half of the population. Nobody is saying that making a movie for a specific audience is bad, but what is the difference between HTMAAQ and Big Momma’s House?If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, How To Make An American Quilt is playing on the trip monitor. It isn’t even suitable for a good girl’s night in. This is a film geared to one gender that shouldn’t be viewed by either.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Apocalypse Now Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Apocalypse Now Redux Reviewed By Stephen Groenewegen Posted 10/26/01 08:13:21

"Events" (Awesome)

No matter how big you think your television is, Apocalypse Now is a wide screen, cinema event. If you missed the last reissue in Australian cinemas (in 1992), be sure to catch Apocalypse Now Redux (redux: brought back or returned). As an incentive for those who’ve seen Apocalypse Now before, it includes 49 minutes of new footage and is intended to replace the original version. The added scenes are generally warranted since they contribute to a more cohesive, albeit longer, film.The Vietnam War is consuming Captain Willard (Martin Sheen). His wife has left him, and when he’s not on a mission he feels he’s "going soft", and resorts to drug taking, heavy drinking and self-destructive behaviour. So when he’s asked to travel up-river to Cambodia to "terminate - with extreme prejudice" a fellow Special Forces operative, he agrees. Willard feels uncomfortable about assassinating an American officer, especially one as highly decorated as Colonel Kurtz. But he is told at a top-secret briefing that Kurtz’s methods are "unsound", he is wanted for murder and has gone insane.Apocalypse Now evolved from an amalgam of stories. John Milius had an embryonic script about a surfer soldier caught up in the Vietnam War; Carroll Ballard wanted to adapt Joseph Conrad’s 1902 novella Heart of Darkness. Francis Ford Coppola’s production company, American Zoetrope, bought Milius’ script. When Coppola eventually decided to direct, he worked in his own adaptation of Conrad (the journey on the river, the legend of Kurtz and the last 40 minutes or so in Kurtz’s compound borrow heavily from Conrad). Michael Herr (who later co-wrote Kubrick’s take on Vietnam, Full Metal Jacket) wrote the narration, and Coppola used a lot of the actors’ improvised dialogue.Redux boasts four major new sequences. Two are relatively short. One, near the beginning, has Willard stealing the board of surf-mad Colonel Kilgore (Robert Duvall), and Kilgore’s attempt to get it back (the original actors returned to loop the dialogue for these scenes last year). The second comes near the end, and is a short daylight sequence of Marlon Brando’s Kurtz lecturing Willard on American foreign policy. The scene was originally cut for time reasons, but it would’ve stuck out anyway because of its full frontal depiction of Brando in clear light. Most of Brando’s other scenes were shot above the chest and in shadow to conceal the weight he’d unexpectedly gained prior to shooting. Brando’s in complete control during this short sequence; you see him spontaneously reacting and working with the children surrounding him, and he makes the scene compelling.Also added is a sequel to the appearance of the Playboy "bunnies" at a benefit for the soldiers. Willard and the boat crew guiding him up the river discover the Playboy helicopter forced down by lack of fuel. The torrential rain is real - these scenes were abandoned as unfinished when the production was shut down by the worst hurricane to hit the Philippines in 40 years (it also destroyed many of the sets). Chef (Frederic Forrest) and Lance (Timothy Bottoms) make sexual contact with two of the girl models (Cynthia Wood and Colleen Camp). These moments are surprisingly poignant, as both parties obviously long for intimacy but are too numb to connect. Editor Walter Murch has brilliantly incorporated the scene: the abrupt entry into and exit out of it suggest a dream. As well as adding a female presence, it also explains where Lance obtained the make-up to paint his face for the remainder of the film.The final new sequence takes up most of the extra running time and, frankly, is a drag. The boat crew’s last stop before Kurtz’s compound is a French plantation that appears out of the mist (like a phantom from the past). Willard eats with the household, and there is a didactic dinner-table discussion about politics and colonialism. A young widow (Aurore Clement) takes Willard to bed and ponders his dual nature: "there are two of you… one that kills and one that loves".The static political discussion is at odds with the rest of the film’s visual style. The action grinds to a halt, and it’s hard to focus - two and a half hours into the film - on talking heads. Although important for demonstrating the impact of the river mission on Willard, the plantation scenes should have been shortened, or at least included earlier when the audience is fresher and has a better chance to process the information.Generally, however, the new scenes in Redux better elucidate the film’s themes and characters. Transplanting Conrad’s ideas about human civility, colonialism, nature and madness to the Vietnam War was Coppola’s masterstroke. It anchors Apocalypse Now to a strong underlying storyline, when the grandiose imagery occasionally threatens to overwhelm it. The alienation and shock felt by Conrad’s "civilised" Englishman travelling in Africa at the turn of last century is perfectly analogous to the dislocation experienced by young American troops dropped unprepared into Asian jungles.Like Marlow in the novella, Willard makes a parallel journey to Kurtz. Each wartime encounter further removes him from civilising human and moral values, reducing Willard to his basic state - "one that kills and one that loves". Kurtz’s remaining civilised self (the half that loves) wants to connect with Willard, by discussing politics and the war, but he has been cut off from civilisation too long. His sovereignty over the indigenous Cambodians has also exacerbated his military megalomania and base, uncivilised self (the conflict between Kurtz’s civilised and cruel sides is epitomised by his scrawling "kill them all" across a paper he’s written about how to win the war).According to Conrad, our nature is inherently evil - it is the veneer of civilisation that makes us "human". In the moral vacuum of war, increasingly isolated from civilisation, Kurtz and Willard perceive the truth about the "heart of darkness". It is Kurtz’s prolonged understanding of, and exposure to, this "horror" - the natural cruelty of the world, and the fragility of human resistance to it - that drives him insane and also brings Willard to the brink of madness.Apocalypse Now is the ultimate Vietnam War movie - larger than the incidents it presents on screen - because of its lengthy and troubled shoot. The disastrous production serves as a better metaphor for the confusion of war than Kurtz’s madness. As Coppola comments in the Redux production notes: "We made Apocalypse Now the way Americans made war in Vietnam: There were too many of us, too much money and equipment - and, little by little, we went insane." In compiling Redux, Coppola and Murch re-edited the film from the original daily footage (rather than insert the new scenes into the original). Once they were finished, they checked it against the 1979 version to ensure they’d left nothing out.Apocalypse Now frequently looks like chaos - especially the Wagner-driven helicopter assaults towards the start. The harnessing and control of this chaotic energy is a spectacular achievement by Coppola, Murch (responsible for editing and sound) and cinematographer Vittorio Storaro, who captures some astonishing images (the startling appearance of Kurtz’s children in the river boats). Knowing the troubled history of the shoot (the heart attacks and hurricanes are chronicled in the 1991 documentary Hearts of Darkness: A Film-maker’s Apocalypse, compiled from Eleanor Coppola’s footage), it’s surreal to see Coppola’s early cameo as a news camera man shouting "don’t look at the camera!" and exhorting the men to act like soldiers for the camera.It’s difficult for actors to compete with this much spectacle. Martin Sheen has the toughest role. Willard is the film’s everyman, and Sheen plays the role reactively. I think this is a mistake - we don’t see enough of the alteration caused by his experiences; he mostly comes across as numbed. It’s wonderful to have more of Robert Duvall’s unflappable surfer colonel in Redux. Baby-faced Timothy Bottoms (The Last Picture Show) is appealing as Lance until his character is swamped by events, and he resorts to some conventional mad-acting. And I was astonished to see Clean played by a youthful looking Laurence Fishburne, who I didn’t realise was already an accomplished child actor (he was 18 when the film was released, but 15 when he was cast). Refreshingly, the two black men on the boat are not token presences. There’s a nice moment when Chief (Albert Hall) is told about the Playboy models, but loses interest when he realises they’re white. Unfortunately, the mysterious officer at Willard’s secret briefing at the start - whose only line is "terminate with extreme prejudice" - is unbearably arch.I was rapt during most of Apocalypse Now Redux, despite it now being nearly 200 minutes long. The compound scenes at the end are still heavy going, although they are obviously vital to the story and encapsulate most of Conrad’s ideas. But Apocalypse Now simulates the anarchy of war and holds your interest because of its extraordinary power and visual beauty. Although Coppola paints with broad strokes, the film isn’t flimsy because it’s anchored to such a strong, underlying story and concept.It will be interesting to see how a film specifically about the devastating effect of war on American soldiers is received in this gung-ho war-on-terrorism climate. I say Apocalypse Now Redux is more relevant than ever.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Last Action Hero Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Last Action Hero, The Reviewed By Andrew Howe Posted 04/30/00 17:04:22

"Deserving of a major re-evaluation" (Worth A Look)

Of Tall Poppies and Low Blows - A Defence of Last Action HeroIn 1993 I saw an action film which instantly took its rightful place in my top ten of the genre. Featuring an established action-film lead at the peak of his abilities, it blew me away with its mix of high-octane action sequences, memorable characters and truly bizarre sense of humour. It was, in a word, everything an action film should be (that’s six words, but what the heck), and in a better world it would have become an object of worship for action fans the world over.I suppose I could be referring to The Fugitive, or Demolition Man, or maybe even Passenger 57. But I’m not. I’m talking about Last Action Hero, and in so doing I invite derision, ridicule and the plagues of Egypt to rain upon my head and whatever’s left of my reputation for the rest of my God-given years. Every now and again a film appears on the scene which manages to whip up a storm of righteous anger amongst even our most right-thinking critics. Dune was such a film, as was Heaven’s Gate before it, and it would be fair to say that the savaging these releases received was just a tad out of proportion to the relative demerits of the films in question. Heaven’s Gate, for example, was by no means a great film, but no one can deny that it was a unique vision which contained its share of arresting visuals and memorable scenes. This meant nothing, however, to the baying hounds of criticdom, who seemed intent on crucifying everyone from the director to the janitor in their quest to prove that the film was the celluloid equivalent of a pile of week-old bat guano. Saner heads have prevailed in the years since, but at the time space on that particular bandwagon was well and truly at a premium.For those of us who missed the first instalment, a reprise of the Night of the Long Knives was re-enacted upon the release of the above-mentioned Arnie film. You couldn’t open a newspaper for fear of coming across another scathing review, and if the terms "monumental ineptitude" and "tsunami of drivel" didn’t appear it’s only because the reviewer in question didn’t think of them. There was blood on the page, and some may suggest that Schwarzenegger’s career has never fully recovered from the force of that unholy battering.I am holding in my hands a copy of "Action! The Action Movie A-Z" (Batsford, 1996), a rather nifty tome which should be on the shelves of every self-respecting action fan. On the way to awarding LAH the equivalent of one star (putting it on a par, incidentally, with the likes of Red Sonja and Robocop 2), the usually-reliable Marshall Julius has this to say:"Stateside reviewers were almost unanimous in their condemnation of John McTiernan’s blockbusting turkey. Variety described it as a ‘joyless, soulless, machine of a movie’ … Last Action Hero is a wretched mess of genres and ideas which disappoints on every level … LAH devotes so much time to chaos and destruction that it forgets that a decent action movie should have at least some kind of story to go with it, and that most important of all, it needs a hero that the audience can root for. Unfortunately, Slater is as wooden as he is invincible … Add to this a failed attempt at self-parody, and it is clear that Schwarzenegger miscalculated the intelligence and devotion of his audience."I quote at such length because this extract pretty much sums up the beefs of every other review which hit the stands, causing me to wonder if the great God of critics didn’t perhaps deliver this diatribe in toto to his charges via a modern-day Sermon on the Mount. If so, I guess I was out of town at the time.I am here to tell you that, within the genre, Last Action Hero is a fine film, and if it isn’t The Third Man that’s because it was never intended to be anything more than pure, mindless entertainment (and yes, that can be a source of praise as much as a criticism). In the minutes remaining before that lynch mob outside my door strings me up from the nearest gibbet, let’s take a look at a few of the reasons why. The acting is as good a place as any to start. First cab off the rank is Schwarzenegger himself, an actor who is unlikely to be making any Academy Award acceptance speeches anytime soon. However, to attack him for turning in a wooden performance is like taking a kindergarten painting class to task for failing to create a Monet - if we haven’t determined that the guy can’t act by now, we might as well pack up and go home. This particular truism, however, has not prevented the likes of Predator and Commando from receiving a certain measure of acclaim in action circles, so I am genuinely surprised that so much was made of the issue with respect to this film. In addition, I would contend that there is a warmth to his performance in this flick which surpasses anything he has achieved before or since - compare his scenes with Danny’s mother with those awful father-daughter bonding moments at the start of Commando, or the genuine shock he exhibits when confronted with the Schwarzenegger billboard with his attempts at registering dismay during the final twenty minutes of Predator. OK, so Olivier he ain’t, but I would suggest that with this film he pushes the boundaries of his (admittedly limited) range.Elsewhere things are even better. I would need both hands to count the number of child actors I’ve fantasised about throttling over the years, but Austin O’Brien’s performance is definitely on the right side of capable. His portrayal of a socially retarded kid who takes refuge in the fantasy world of the silver screen is suitably over-the-top, and his facial and vocal expressiveness brings a certain measure of charm to the proceedings. (Many reviewers, incidentally, favoured the words "obnoxious" and "brat" when describing his character, but I find "eminently" and "likeable" to be considerably more appropriate.) However, the true highlight of this film is Charles Dance’s wonderful performance as the chief villain. I would go so far as to say that his efforts here are on a par with Alan Rickman’s in Die Hard, and if you think that’s too lofty a comparison I would ask you to consider what passes for a memorable villain in some other, highly-praised, action films before you speak (check out Dennis Hopper’s paint-by-numbers nutcase in Speed, then we’ll talk). Such is Dance’s screen presence that he somehow manages to eclipse the performances he is meant to be parodying - his deadpan style is a constant source of amusement, and if he never truly manages to exude an air of menace it’s simply because the film never calls for it.Which brings us to the next bone of contention, being the much-savaged storyline. Much has been made of the plethora of in-jokes which pepper the film, and the accusations of hubris resulting from Schwarzenegger’s decision to play himself were heard loud and far. However, it seems to me that Wes Craven did exactly the same thing with Scream and New Nightmare respectively, and somehow wound up attracting praise for his efforts. It is patently obvious, therefore, that LAH fell foul of what we in Australia call the "tall poppy" syndrome, being an inexplicable desire to cut anyone who achieves a measure of success down to size. At the time of LAH’s release Schwarzenegger was a bona fide mega-star, having appeared in a string of high-grossing action flicks. This doubtless irked a number of critics, since films like Kindergarten Cop could never be confused with "high art". I would therefore suggest that said critics were just waiting for a chance to put Schwarzenegger in his place, and a misreading of the basis for LAH provided a sterling opportunity.I say "misreading" because the script (by Zak Penn and Adam Leff) is by no means a conceit. I found it to be inventive, pointed and delightfully bizarre, and to suggest that it insults the audience’s intelligence is way off base. Let’s get one thing straight – Dumb and Dumber insults your intelligence. Johnny Mnemonic insults your intelligence. LAH, on the other hand, takes a reasonably novel idea and makes it work by virtue of the fact that it doesn’t shy away from the difficulties inherent in such a concept. I believe it took a certain amount of bravery to bring this film to the screen (given that it is, in effect, parodying itself), and that’s something to applaud, not deride.And let’s not forget that this is, at its heart, a very funny movie. It could have been permitted to slide into farce (à la Blazing Saddles), but the film’s slightly-twisted internal logic ensures it always remains marginally believable. So it is we are left with a string of great moments, and if a few jokes fall flat (a gangster named "Leo the Fart", for instance, or that bloody cartoon cat) it really doesn’t matter much when there’s so many other scenes which bring an easy smile to the face. (Personal favourites - the exchange between Slater and Benedict in the driveway of Vivaldi’s mansion, Slater punishing Benedict for the crime of blowing up his ex-wife’s house, the assassin in the closet, and many others.) Of course, I haven’t even mentioned the actual action sequences, which are on a par with any other big-budget actioner you care to name. The initial car chase is the obvious set-piece, but the rooftop funeral scene ain’t too shoddy either. It’s also worth mentioning that the film manages to achieve all of this without resorting to gratuitous violence or profanity, which is definitely no mean feat.Given the points mentioned above, I am therefore incapable of understanding why a hugely enjoyable, amusing and inventive comic-book action flick such as this has raised so many hackles. The Schwarzenegger backlash is definitely a factor, and the inexplicable fear many critics possess of going against the majority (a.k.a. The Bandwagon Syndrome) is probably another. But I think, at its core, the major reason for this film’s critical failure rests with the fact that too many people have forgotten that it is no crime for a movie to be fun, pure and simple, and to hell with those pesky notions of relevance, art and serious entertainment.And in closing, I’d just like to mention that I finally purchased a DVD player a few months ago. I immediately put in an order for four discs, the first three being Glory, Excalibur and The Matrix.And the fourth? Well - let’s just say I’m out to prove a point.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Eraser Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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The Movie:

After directing Jim Carrey in “The Mask”, director Chuck Russell took his talents working with special effects and produced the next Arnold Schwartzenegger action film. “Eraser“, a slick, entertaining action thriller is, I think, one of Arnold’s better films recently. Arnold plays John Kruger, a federal marshal working for the Witness Protection Program. His job is to “erase” the backgrounds of witnesses who are in trouble.

A new problem arises when a witness to corruption at a technology firm (Vanessa Williams) is in deep trouble, having a disk that contains evidence against government officials. Suddenly she finds herself being chased by killers using “rail guns”. When Kruger takes on the mission to protect her, he finds himself in just as much danger as she is.

Performances are actually better than average for a film like this. Arnold is very good in the role of Kruger, and James Caan makes for an excellent villian. Director Russell also does a fine job staging a few stunts, such as a zoo chase and a midair jump from a plane. Dialogue isn’t too bad, either for this genre. All in all “Eraser” doesn’t aim to be anymore than good action thrills. And to that, it succeeds.


The DVD

VIDEO:
Early work from Warner Brothers and although it was one of the early titles they released, it’s still impressive in terms of image quality. Images are certainly sharp, if not always razor sharp. Colors are wonderful - very well-saturated, vibrant and without any problems such as bleeding. Flesh tones are fine as well, accurate and natural. There are no problems with the transfer such as pixelation or shimmer. The print is also in perfectly clean condition, with no marks or flaws. There is a 2.35:1 anamorphic transfer or a pan/scan edition.

SOUND: Not the best action movie audio I’ve ever heard, but certainly strong and definitely above average. The gunfights are remarkable in terms of sound and there are a number of explosions that will shake the room. Score by Alan Silvestri is dynamic and well-recorded, and dialogue is impressively clear.

MENUS:: As usual with the early Warner Brothers (well, with early titles from all studios actually) menus, there really isn’t much at all to the menus. Non-animated and without much detail.

EXTRAS: Trailer/bios.

---

Final Thoughts Definitely worth a rental.


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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Raging Sharks Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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It’s bad enough that I had to endure watching excrement like Raging Sharks for 90 minutes — now I have to think about it and talk about my experience too?! 

The only entertainment to be had is in hearing of the plot:  Aliens from outer space collide their spaceships causing debris to land on Earth.  Among the debris are orange colored crystals that must taste yummy to sharks, because they consume tons of it.  This unknown substance makes the sharks ravenous for whatever they can sink their teeth into — boats, planes, pipes, cables, human torsos, and everything else that sticks out in the ocean.  A sub is called in to investigate.  Mayhem ensues.

If I must, I’ll just give you a brief recap of my experience while watching it: Laughed at it a lot, laughed some more, laughed a little less, started thinking about other things, noticed the ceiling fan in the room is spinning counter-clockwise, stared at the wall, suicidal thoughts, stared at the inside of my eyelids, rubbed my eyes and wondered how long I was out for, wondered if I should go back to sleep, suicidal thoughts, looked in amazement at how such a bad movie could possibly get worse, declared this movie to be the worst movie I’ve seen in years, suicidal thoughts, finished watching the remaining hour, removed toothpicks holding open my eyelids.

It’s direct-to-video, so you know what that usually means: direct-to-wastecan caliber entertainment.  Screenwriter Les Weldon (what a punny name — I can’t imagine anything "Les Weldon" than this!)  and director Danny Lerner must have watched James Cameron’s The Abyss and thought that what the world needs is to see it re-done with poor dialogue, cheap sets, horrendously bad acting, and Corbin Bernsen.  I’m assuming copious amounts of illegally obtained substances were also consumed, as there is no way a straight, sober, non-schizo person could have made a movie this bad intentionally. 

Awful accents, stomach-churning special effects, strange sound effects (do sharks really sound like wild bears?), music that sounds like someone playing the theme to The Rock on a Casio keyboard, flagrant shots of stock military footage, repetitive clips of real sharks close-up, slowed-down action, sped-up action, nonsensical plot developments.  I’d elaborate more, but that would have meant I would have to pay attention to this pile of dung, which might have left me unable to function as a fully coherent human being for the rest of my life. 

Long before the end of the film, you’ll pray that the ravenous, raging sharks won’t stop until they eat every piece of the set, including all of the cast and crew.  For staunch movie masochists only!

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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Primer Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Winner of the Sundance Grand Jury Prize, Shane Carruth’s “Primer” is one of those movies that’s legendary on impact thanks to its felicitous combination of ingenuity, independence and dirt-cheapness. First-time writer-director Carruth himself has described the movie’s budget as the rough equivalent of “the price of a used car,” a phrase that will resonate with anyone who’s ever perused the how-to-make-an-indie-film section at their local Barnes & Noble. Everybody loves a bargain. Plus, some ticket buyers will no doubt be looking for an educational experience — they’ll want a primer on what a movie can be on limited means, and they’ll get one. “Primer” is the incredibly confusing but oddly compelling story of Aaron (Carruth) and Abe (David Sullivan), two young computer engineers who spend their off hours trying to develop a killer app in Aaron’s garage with two other engineers, Robert (Casey Gooden) and Phillip (Anand Upadhyaya). The makeshift company is run like a democracy; each person gets a turn at deciding what project to work on. But the relationship between Abe and Aaron and the other two is starting to fray. ADVERTISEMENT While working on a jerry-built superconductormajiggy that he and Aaron have cobbled together from various bits of car and refrigerator, Abe stumbles upon a peculiar side-effect: The box doubles as a time machine. Soon, he and Aaron have built one to human scale and have secretly started taking quick jaunts back in time. From here, the story hinges on two conceits, that: (a) the machine can only take you back as far back as it’s been running — usually about six hours; and (b) that going back so recently in time while staying in the same place pretty much guarantees that you’ll run into an earlier version of yourself. Written and directed in a similarly enterprising spirit by Carruth, formerly a laid-off engineer, “Primer” was shot, among other places, in his parents’ Dallas garage. (Mom and Dad also provided food.) He was inspired by ’70s conspiracy thrillers and chose to forgo digital video in favor of the more old-school Super 16, which he then blew up to 35mm. The resulting look is flat and washed out, with a color palette ranging from sand to beige. It’s the perfect look for depicting the dry, middle-American nowhereland the characters inhabit, and it wonderfully conveys the slightly desperate, Habitrail life of the young engineers — who have only about a decade and a half to hit the big time or be put out to pasture at 40. In keeping with the movies that inspired him — “The Conversation,” “All the President’s Men” — Carruth has constructed a narrative in which most of the action takes place off screen and most of what we see are two characters trying to figure out what’s going on. The characters seem to exist both in a narrative loop and in a spiral of exponentially increasing parallel lives. Things quickly get out of control, plot-wise, and it becomes impossible to distinguish between past and present characters. For reasons I can’t explain, some of their “doubles” turn out to be evil — a lot can change, apparently, in an afternoon. I’ll refrain from trying to piece together the mechanics of the plot, which I suspect on some level is completely incoherent. I’ll just say that “Primer” is the kind of movie that thrills at its own casual impenetrability. But then, this may be the most interesting thing about “Primer,” which couldn’t be more different from the classic time-travel movie if it tried. Its characters aren’t transported so much as they are constantly reset. Plans are set in motion, then go nowhere. Sticklers for linear storytelling are bound to be frustrated by narrative threads that start promisingly, then just sort of fall off the spool. But frustrating as I ultimately found it, “Primer” is undeniably geek heaven. For everyone else, it’s a nice antidote to big-budget bogusness. When a movie as far-fetched as “Primer” comes across as refreshingly naturalistic — well, that’s something. ‘Primer‘ MPAA rating: PG-13 for brief language Times guidelines: Squeaky clean, but young children will be bored by the all-talk, no-action. Shane Carruth…Aaron David Sullivan…Abe Casey Gooden…Robert Anand Upadhyaya…Phillip Carrie Crawford…Kara A ThinkFilm release. Writer-director-producer Shane Carruth. Location sound Reggie Evans. Camera operators Anand Upadhyaya, Daniel Bueche. Assistant camera operator James Russell. Production assistant David Sullivan. Running time: 1 hour, 20 minutes. Exclusively at the Landmark Nuart, 11272 Santa Monica Blvd., L.A. (310) 281-8223. Filmmaker Shane Carruth will participate in a discussion after the 7:30 and 9:40 p.m. screenings today and Saturday.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Blind Date Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Blind Date (1987) Reviewed By Chris Parry Posted 08/28/03 15:30:21

"Misfires like an Uzi dipped in porridge." (Average)

As a dumb, stupid kid with absolutely no knowledge of what made a good movie different from a bad one (I paid to see Hot Dog - and loved it!), there was a time in my life when I could say, with a completely straight face, that Blind Date was the best movie I had ever seen. Seriously, I used to say those words to people. I even remember their confused faces when I’d do so, and having to say the words, "No, seriously." In fact, I was making that bold statement right up until I caught Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, some time around 1989. Then I saw Heathers soon after. Then I saw Clerks not long after that. With those films under my belt, nothing would be the same. Thus it dawned on me that Blind Date simply wasn’t up to standard, and I’ve never said anything nice about it since. But hey, if you never got out of the tenth grade, have some mild developmental retardation that causes you to stare at bright lights, and think Kim Bassinger is, like, totally hot, by all means knock yourself out. It’s not like you’ll have to reserve it at the video store…Walter (Bruce Willis) is a geek. A total business nerd, completely swept up in the mid-80’s drive to succeed and accumulate material wealth, he finds himself in a crunch. See, Walter is entertaining an important business associate from Japan in a few hours, and he doesn’t have a wife. Apparently this is important to his Japanese associate, so Walter’s brother Ted (Phil "how we miss you" Hartman) sets him up on a blind date with his wife’s cousin, Nadia (Kim "slept with Eminem" Bassinger), who is in town and looking to have fun. And, like, totally hot.There’s just one piece of advice given to Walter before he sets out on his adventure - "Don’t give her alcohol… She goes crazy when she drinks alcohol."Is it just me, or could you imagine Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy remaking this story RIGHT NOW?So, of course, panicky Walter gives Nadia a glass of champagne and she soon turns into Linda Blair’s evil cousin, ruining his business meeting, breaking up the Japanese businessman’s marriage, insulting the occasional French waiter and generally being a total imitation of my father’s second wife. (Hi Pam, if you’re reading!) From here, all you need to know is there’s a ton of slapstick humor, a ton of non-humor humor, John Laroquette playing the jealous ex-boyfriend and the requisite rom-com ending. Oh, and Bassinger gets soaked in the swimming pool and she’s, like, totally hot. Blind Date’s real problem is that it simply fails to translate past the late 80’s. Director Blake Edwards must take a hefty portion of blame for the failures of the film, as he’s re-used a whole whack of set pieces that he’d actually done better, earlier, in movies that didn’t suck nearly as much. While the humor that does work in Blind Date is genuinely ‘oh my god’ funny (and some of it really is that good), for the most part it seems to be merely a star vehicle designed to get two TV stars on screen with a Bond Girl.Though she couldn’t act worth a darn, Bassinger is so 80’s in this film that she invokes giggles just from her appearance. I mean sure, she’s, like, totally hot, but she’s also hiding behind a mane of hair that was about as ‘in style’ a year later as that diagonal red hat she wore in My Stepmother is an Alien. You know the one I’m talking about… if you don’t, look it up.Blind Date starts with a one-line premise (man goes on blind date with terrible drunk) and does nothing more with that premise from there than reverse it (man on blind date gets drunk to show terrible drunk what she’s done to him) and cap it all with a stock standard ending (you may kiss the drunk). Which means it really relies on humor to convince an audience they haven’t been had. And that’s a bad thing when your jokes are old.Blind Date’s third act routine of slamming doors, pratfalls, changing rooms and ‘where did she go’ confusion is straight out of Edwards’ Victor/Victoria, not to mention any of the Marx Brothers’ better works. The ‘look what trouble you get into when you drink’ routine was done in Edwards’ Dudley Moore starmaker, 10. And the continuing battle with funny jokes, kinda funny jokes and really not very funny jokes will remind many of the director’s downward slide trying to squeeze every drop of soul out of the Pink Panther series.Blind Date is a simple concept played out in a most simple way, with seemingly little care about trying to do anything more than finish the thing. It pains me that people with concepts this weak sell them to movie studios every day for thousands of dollars, because really this is so far from art, it may as well be professional football. Every stereotype is played out in full (of course the Japanese businessman has a geisha for a wife), every joke is played out until it’s no longer funny, and any evil that bad guy John Laroquette is supposed to display is swallowed whole by his overwhelming teddy-bear-ness. Seriously, if Laroquette threatened me with a gun, I’d assume it was a Super-Soaker and come at him with the garden hose.Which is not to say Laroquette stinks here. Quite the opposite in fact, he’s the best thing about the film. If there’s one aspect of comedy that Laroquette knows, it’s how to sell a joke. And these jokes need some selling, I’ll tell ya.Oddly, Willis, who pretty much stunk up the joint, went on to become a multi-millionaire action hero, and Laroquette, who didn’t stink, went on to host basic cable TV programs about collecting stuffed animals, so who says talent doesn’t win out in the end?Blind Date is a funny movie - but only in parts. As a Sunday afternoon Superstation time waster, it’ll do the job every bit as well as an episode of Moonlighting or Night Court would, but any aims beyond that level are seriously misplaced. I may have once been able to call this movie "hilarious," but anyone in this current millenium who could say the same thing should be viewed with abject suspicion. Preferably from a distance. With a Super-Soaker handy.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE House of Wax Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Yet another of many classic horror movies being remade lately. Some have succeed, some have failed, and some have come out just ok, and if they all have something in common, is that the actors are always young and hot, and I have to admit that as a young person who watches TV a lot, that is really important to me, the cast. House of Wax follows those rules (and every other horror movie rule too) and even though having Paris Hilton in her first big role in a movie screams “this is gonna suck!”, it doesn’t, and I’m going to leave Miss Hilton for later cause she rules here, and the movie is freaking great too.A group of college students are on a road trip on their way to a football game when they have car trouble, so they need to stop by the closest town to find a way to fix it. The town is of course run by a group of crazy people who wants to kill them.

Yes, it’s a slasher movie, and yes, it sounds just like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, only this time the crazy people are a group of brothers who like to wax things, including people, and have created a museum called the House of Wax that is all made of wax, except the statues of the people inside, that look so real because as the trailer tells us, they’re real people covered by wax.Forgive me for having not seen the original once again, and so I can’t compare them, but instead I’ll compare it to the aforementioned TCM remake, just because they both have the same vibe. Also comparable are the movies’ atmospheres, which are both very well done with TCM’s coming on top by just a little bit. Which one is better, TCM, no doubt in my mind, but there’s a lot to love about House of Wax, and that’s its characters.Elisha Cuthbert and Chad Michael Murray are the leads, playing twin brothers Carly and Nick. Jared Padalecki plays Carly’s boyfriend Wade, with Jon Abrahams playing Nick’s friend Dalton. Robert Ri’chard and Paris Hilton are Blake and Paige, who’s best friends with Carly.

Carly and Nick are on screen most of the movie’s time, almost an %80 I’d say, with the rest of the characters having little to do though necessary stuff.Elisha and Chad are really great in the movie, as is Brian Van Holt who plays the bad guys. And then Paris Hilton, she of The Simple Life and of One Night in Paris, her other great performance in a movie, and yes, note I said ‘other’ there.Is she a great actress? Not because of this movie, she has little to act but her performance is effective and sure to please everybody who loves her and even more those who hate her. And no, she doesn’t get naked here, no need for that since any person in the world with internet access has already seen her in the nude, but she’s in her underwear most of the time (striptease included) so that’s good. But she doesn’t rule here because of that, she rules for having the guts to take this role and I’m going to explain why.

It’s her first big role and she dies in the movie, of course she does. I think “I die in this movie” were the first words she said on MTV’s Movie Life, a behind the scenes series about the filming of House of Wax. And that’s perfect, because we want her to die, and she has a great death scene by the way that will have the entire theatre cheering. But more props goes to her because this Robert Ri’chard guy is a black guy, and though that shouldn’t be a problem at all, I’m sure not every actor or actress would take a role that has them in a relationship with a black person, but like it should be she didn’t care at all and she took the part.

Also props for letting the filmmakers use her real life and make a joke out of it in the movie. One of the characters has a camcorder in the movie, and Paris has more than one scene being on camera, even with the nightvision like the first shows of her private movie. And it’s funny, and you have to give it to her for allowing that kind of stuff that is only funny because it is done to her. Also, her character is not stupid, knows how to hide, and she’s the only supporting character who actually gets to hurt the bad guy a little bit even though she ends up not surviving. So good for Paris.Director Jaume Serra has made a really great job making the movie very atmospheric, gory, and scary (fingers being cut are always welcome), and the production team has made a really good job with the wax stuff, which made the movie feel real because the everything was actually made of real wax. Add the great cast and once again you have a horror movie that would be an instant classic if it weren’t a remake of a classic, but we’ll see in 30 years which movies comes out on top as the classic after Paris wins an Oscar. Ok, that last line came out a little bit crazy, but not what is before that, because the movie is really great.

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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Fog, The Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Fog, The
Fog of War, The Reviewed By Elaine Perrone Posted 07/16/04 04:20:43

"A riveting, often maddening, look at history repeating itself, in reverse." (Awesome)

Listening to Robert S. McNamara, former Secretary of Defense under JFK and LBJ and the first non-family member to be appointed president of Ford Motor Company, feels a bit like listening to Fred Madison in David Lynch’s Lost Highway. Both men seem to like to remember things their way, and both are staggering contradictions of themselves and masters of self-deception.Imparting "Eleven Lessons Learned from the Life of Robert S. McNamara," his musings come across far more as the excuses of an arrogant man who knew even at the time that the acts in which he was participating were wrong but who was able to put aside his misgivings for the sake of expediency.Speaking about his role in the firebombing of 67 cities in Japan during WWII, in which he served under Gen. Curtis LeMay (himself said to be the prototype for Dr. Strangelove’s Buck Turgidson), McNamara admits that, had we lost the war, the two of them would surely have been tried as war criminals. The admission seems remorseless when followed up by his unsupported justification that the sacrifice of the lives of 1 million Japanese men, women, and children "saved" the lives of thousands of Allied troops. In his discussion of U.S. involvement in Vietnam, a conflict that came to be known as "McNamara’s War" and earned him the sobriquet "Mac the Knife," McNamara blithely puts forth lessons such as empathizing with one’s enemy and decrying U.S. unilateralism, at the same time commenting that we didn’t see the conflict in Vietnam in the same light as they did — as a civil war — as if he’d just now come to that realization. His lesson on the U.S.’s wrongheaded notions of teaching the South Vietnamese the correctness of Western values seems hollow, given his refusal to speak up in indictment of the current administration for doing the very same thing.McNamara often comes across as living in a fog of his own making, his principles skewed and priorities scrambled. He talks of his "marriage made in heaven" to Margaret Craig, smilingly describing the happiest time of their lives as the years when the stress of his job caused his wife and son to develop ulcers and perhaps contributed to her untimely death. His devotion to Camelot, even after all these years, comes through loud and clear when he breaks down talking about escorting Jackie Kennedy to Arlington National Cemetery to show her "the most beautiful spot on the grounds" that he had chosen for the remains of JFK.Still, for all the hindsighted self-righteousness of the man at its center, Fog is a masterful documentary, one not to be missed, with Errol Morris powerfully recreating history through the use of archival photos, film, audio taped conversations, visual graphics, and an appropriately ominous Philip Glass score with which he intercuts McNamara’s reminisces.Morris leaves the toughest question for last, when he asks McNamara why he failed to speak up about the U.S. involvement in Vietnam after LBJ fired him. Not even taking the advice of one of his own lessons, which is to answer a question not as it was asked but as one wishes it to have been asked, McNamara instead waffles: "I’m not going to say any more than I have. These are the kinds of questions that get me in trouble. You don’t know what I know about how inflammatory my words can appear."That response alone speaks volumes about all the self-absolution that went before it.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE One Hour Photo Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Imagine what it would be like to witness the happy momenets from the lives of the people around you, all the while you had no friends, family, or even close contacts. That’s the life of ‘Sy The Photo Guy’ (played by Robin Williams), who for the past eleven years has been seeing every birthday, every vacation and every Christmas party in the snapshots he so meticulously develops and prints. It’s not just a lonely life, it’s a desperately lonely life with a front row view of everyone else’s happiness.

To the people around him, Sy doesn’t seem so lonely. He’s always the nice friendly clerk at the One Hour Photo who so warmingly greets his customers by name, knows their street addresses by heart and has tremendous pride in running the best ‘mini lab’ in town. Robin Williams does a fantastic job of portraying this extremely dualistic character. He puts aside the electric energy and emotion he typically brings to his roles and plays one of the most restrained and complex characters I’ve seen.

Williams, who is on screen for the majority of the film, is captivating to watch. He manages to make Sy an extremely likeable charcter, then expose us to his darker side and somehow recapture our affection for the character despite our exposure to his utter creepiness. The performance is no small feat and Williams handles the role like an absolute pro.

Unfortunately Williams’ performance is really one of the few reasons to see One Hour Photo, which is an often slow and unsatisfying film. Connie Nielsen (you’ll remember her from her notable roles in Devil’s Advocate, and Gladiator) does a decent job in her role as Nina Yorkin, but is not given much to work with. Nielsen provides some of the emotional fuel for the film but many of her scenes are so short, it’s almost as if Writer/Director Mark Romanek wasn’t able to really shift his focus away from Williams for any period of time. Also short cut is Michael Vartan (from ABC’s Alias) who plays Will Yorkin, Nina’s husband. One Hour Photo would have been a much better film if the Yorkin characters were better fleshed out and we were given more than a ’snapshot’ view into their life. But maybe that’s the point. We, like Sy, are only given a ’snap shot’ view of the world. Clever, huh? But clever doesn’t make a good film.

One Hour Photo premiered at the Sundance Film Festival, and is another in a long line of small independent films with big name stars. Many of these films tend to feel more like an film exersise with the focus on the pieces over the end product. If you look at some of the individual elements of One Hour Photo you could say that they’ve suceeded in their exercise but as film it’s just not there.

My biggest problem with One Hour Photo is how truly unsatisfying a film it is. We spend over an hour getting into the mind of a character and only a short while seeing where that leads us. The film has almost an anti-climax which felt like it was done almost as a defiance to the norm, which is fine, but the very end of the film feels like it was tacked on to try to explain it all, which really felt like a cop-out. I’m all for Directors challenging the conventional norm in films, but if you’re going to do it, stick by your guns!

Final Thoughts
One Hour Photo is one of those movies that’s hard to recommend but at the same time isn’t a terrible film. If you’re a fan of Robin Williams and want to see him in a great performance then you’ll want to check it out. But in the same respect you’ve really got to like Williams because he’s in almost every frame. One Hour Photo may be better suited for the 24 hour rental than an evening at the movie theater.
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